Around UAlbany's beautiful uptown campus are Fucillo-sized posters of famous alumni. The posters are nice, but what astonishing achievement is required for current students to get on them? Future alumni at The College Of William & Mary have a worse dilemma; William & Mary students have Thomas Jefferson strolling around their eternal school reunions. Good luck topping that guy at a party:
"What'd you do after college?"
"Me? I Squeeze the anal glands of dogs at PetSmart. You?"
"I wrote the Declaration Of Independence."
You have the opportunity to top the Jeffersons of the alumni world by taking on a job that will guarantee your place on a UAlbany poster. I'm talking about earth's greatest gig: vice president of the United States. How do you get selected for the cushiest of cushy jobs? You can run for President and flameout while sucking up to potential nominees like Joe Biden. You can balance the ticket and meet the needs not met by the nominee like Sarah Pallin. Or you can have you buddies in Congress back you during an administrative change like Gerald Ford. Running for President in the general election and finishing second like Jefferson is no longer an option; So start smiling, kiss babies, make friends, and plan a half hearted presidential campaign. Go ahead, this column will be here when you're done.
If your ticket loses, no one will remember. If your ticket wins,you're in! Nothing is sacrificed by you accepting the VP nomination. The nomination should be enough to qualify you for a UAlbany poster, we hope, but then what? What do you look forward to for the next four years? If you said, "serve as president of the Senate", you fail, the correct answer is "almost nothing". The vice president barely presides over the Senate; They're rarely there unless a tie-breaking vote is needed. The president pro tempore runs the show in place of the vice president, but they have evil flying deputy president pro tempores to run things. Simply put: someone else is doing the job of someone who is supposed to do your job.
Doesn't this sound like a dream job? You don't have to move back home, you can pull strings with the Stafford Loan people, and you get to move to One Observatory Circle. The address may sound like a poorly named suburban development, but you get the added bonus of living inside a fully staffed mansion for free. Plus, you don't have to worry about the boss checking up on you. If you're lucky, the president will stop by once and only for a brief photo. That's right, you only have to fake being nice once every four years instead of every day. After that? The mansion is your frat house sans pink shirt wearing freeloaders with aero-dynamic popped collars.
If you're lucky, your president won't die in the first thirty days like William Harry Harrison, be assassinated, or die from ice cream poisoning. This is the greatest job in the history of America, why ruin your hairline and crimp your style with the president's job? Few Vice Presidents have needed to step in for the president, so the odds are good you won't have much to do other than party. Should you ever run into Jefferson, you can also say, "Suck on this Jefferson: I was picked for the job and didn't have to do squat. What'd you do? mud wrestle with Adams as the VP and divide the country to take his job?"; And hey, you can get away with shooting a guy in the face or give rambling inauguration speeches while drunk. No one cares, you're the vice president. You can be that person! Live your dream and earn your UAlbany poster spot the American way, by doing practicably nothing.